Saying that it is God’s plan is hard, even as believers, because what that plan is, is incomprehensible to us. To see the loss of someone so young, it is hard to fathom for us why that is the plan. However, we must know that it is His plan. While on my quest for that very understanding in the death of a 14 year old young man I have to admit that it is easier to not see God in the equation because to see it as an accident makes my worldly brain able to comprehend and compartmentalize the issue into something I can handle and therefore have a hope of moving past. As a believer I find God’s plan an inconvenient truth because I can’t make sense of God’s plan. But what I am realizing is that I never can because his plan is as complex to me as Astrophysics is to a kindergarten class. It is beyond our comprehensive abilities. And though those kindergartens may grow up in their knowledge and become Astrophysicists,, God’s plan will always be beyond us and that is very difficult for me to handle. That is where faith comes in. That is where the trust I have in God to make those decisions that I can’t fathom has to come into play.
I must say that I wrestle with that faith as I think we all do at such times. We feel utterly anemic in our ability to control our world and that is where we truly define our faith. I say it is God’s plan with great conviction when some Good happens like I get a job or money when I really need it. I even say it when I don’t get a job or struggle financially; however I have trouble with the big ticket items.
I think my faith is tested most when faced with the idea of a plan taking a 14 year old boy from us. What is that plan? I can’t get that. Moreover, I don’t think any of us can. So why can’t I accept this as a plan as I can the job or money? I think it is control.
I think as Christians we are happy to give up control over our lives to a point. However, I am not sure that we can accept the loss of our own need to control on the really big moments. By control I mean understanding the reason. Our brains work like an inventory sheet and if we don’t know what column to put something into we are scrambling. I find that at moments where we most need our faith to guide us, some fight that very faith to comprehend in our minds what has happened. I think it would be easier at a point like this to be a non Christian because then I could chalk it up to an accident or bad deal. Consequently, it is on me as a follower of Christ and a person blessed by him, to see faith as a test of not his plan but my personal need for control. I find faith as an inconvenience at times like these and I am starting to see that it is times Like these that strengthen my faith because I want answers and will dive into scripture to find them. It is easy to compartmentalize accidents as an answer but it is inspiring to look at God’s plan and to be humbled and accepting of the notion that I will never be able to understand it. Furthermore I see that at moments like this where my lack of control is so evident; that my need of that very control is weakening. My inability to control faith in my terms is making me realize that my terms are irrelevant and that is a pure thing. That is faith.